i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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