Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize