Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
