I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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