you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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