I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
