I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
