He kissed a someone with a penis
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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