My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In other news, I just burned my penis
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
