i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
