guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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