I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
