I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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