So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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