So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
