my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
