just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
