I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
