You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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