Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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