I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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