glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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