so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
