I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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