how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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