What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
