Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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