i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
