There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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