I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
