Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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