I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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