for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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