I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
