with your own penis?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize