Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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