i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
