i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
