you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
