If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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