The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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