you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
