The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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