I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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