Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
