No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
