the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
