When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize