so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
