Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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