Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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