Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
