Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh god it's open bar.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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