no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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