Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize