Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
