I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
