umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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