U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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