the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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