The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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