Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
