I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
