You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Drunk is a universal language darling
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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