I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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